There’s a thought — or series of thoughts, really — that’s been trying to claw its way out of my brain and into the open air for a while now, but they are also the kinds of thoughts that are painful to share. Hurts to keep them in, hurts to let them out. I haven’t been able to get […]
Last summer I very seriously planned to kill myself. I spent nearly all of 2013 and the early months of 2014 struggling with depression, but last summer was the worst of it. It feels like I’ve been holding my breath, and when I hit “publish” I will finally start breathing normally again. Over the last […]
January is the accepted time to talk beginnings and fresh starts. In January we talk about the new year and the big plans we make as a New Year’s Resolution obsessed culture. Even people who don’t participate tend to make noise about their non-participation. But spring is that too, and all the more so for […]
I had this big plan to blog more often this year. This blog, specifically. I was going to give myself schedules. Right now, I should be posting Monday, Wednesday, Friday. When I have a lot to say, it’s easy. I draft the posts, fine-tune them, and they publish at 9am on Monday, Wednesday, or Friday. […]
A few nights ago I heard sirens and I was struck by the strangeness of it. Mostly I was struck by the strangeness of it being strange. We live far away from anything. It’s a tiny city to begin with and we don’t even live within the boundaries of that city. It’s just shy of […]
I’m still vomiting feelings all over your internet, but I get to do that because I have a blog. That’s one of the reasons I have blogs. I also have comment sections, which allow people to respond. I do not, however, have to allow everyone to respond or allow all manner of response. This year […]
Sarah Hayes wrote a lovely post on brokenness, in which she insisted that hers is her own to define and understand. It fits so well with the current struggle. (Or a piece of it, really. The piece of it I can think through without seeing the color rage.) I strongly encourage you to be open […]
In vague and cryptic terms I expressed my feelings of rage and frustration at not being able to protect someone that I love and care about. I expressed that my helplessness turned itself into a kind of rage for her assailant. It hadn’t occurred to me that this person — the perpetrator — would ever see it. I blocked […]
Twice in my life I have hated someone with a blood boiling I-want-you-to-know-endless-pain feeling. A debilitating rage that drowns out all other thoughts and feelings. Both of these people earned my rage by causing profound, deep harm to people that I love with all my heart. I find myself now wanting a tidal wave of […]
Today is the first anniversary of my grandfather’s passing. A year ago today we lost him for good. I don’t know how to process that any more now than I did a year ago. This past Christmas was strange. We didn’t go up to grandpa’s house. He had such a lovely house. Big, open spaces. […]