I’m still vomiting feelings all over your internet, but I get to do that because I have a blog. That’s one of the reasons I have blogs. I also have comment sections, which allow people to respond. I do not, however, have to allow everyone to respond or allow all manner of response.
This year I had two episodes — one here and another over on Snark Squad — in which I had to cut people off. In both cases things got ugly and in both cases I am firm in my convictions. There is a point at which I get to say, “No more,” and end heated conversations, because this space belongs to me. Both people cried foul. Both people tried to attack me further on the grounds that I didn’t let them use my space for their views. This post isn’t really about them.
Consider this a blogger’s PSA.
I have created some public platforms for expression. They aren’t widely disseminated and the readership consists of a fairly close-knit group of people, but I have made these things publicly accessible and slapped my name on them. There’s a delicate anonymity dance to be done when my stories overlap with the stories of others, which is why I typically keep this blog’s focus restricted to my own feelings and reactions. (Even if it means awkwardly focusing on a background character in a larger story.) I make declarations for which I can be held accountable. Sometimes that’s scary — I’ve now been doing it long enough to have posted a few things I shouldn’t have posted; I’ve become acquainted with blogger’s remorse. Hell, I went silent for months last year because the prospect of being open and honest was too overwhelming. Still, it’s mostly been a fulfilling experience. As long as I see it that way, I’ll keep going.
The thing is, while I am always exposed to critique for what I say, that in no way obligates me to give others a platform. I have comment sections on both blogs because I generally enjoy discussion. Snark Squad, with its larger audience and infinitely more accessible subject matter has a fairly active comment section and those discussions are a substantive chunk of the blog itself. The blog lives there as much as it does in the posts.
There my job is to moderate. Usually this involves little more than what I would gladly do anyway: engage in the conversations happening around the material. On incredibly rare occasions, people cross boundaries and become disrespectful. Emphasis on incredibly rare — the community has largely been so open and supportive as to greatly undermine conventional notions about the DANGER ZONE! of internet comment sections. I’m grateful for that. However, after months of disrespect towards us and other commenters from a single individual, it came time to give the “block” button its first use.
Sometimes people conflate fiction and reality. Sometimes I dislike fictional characters, the writing/execution of them, the fictional things they do. That’s what we write about. Some people take my dislike for fictional characters personally and use my attack of a fictional character as justification to attack me personally.
Comment sections exist for you to to respond. Have at it. While you do that, though, be aware that the space is still mine. The second you use my space as a mechanism for attacking me or my loved ones personally, for making asinine assumptions about our stories — I will feel no guilt when I cut you off.
I am perfectly justified in doing this whenever I choose. The second I feel uncomfortable I have the right to make it stop. Especially here. Over there, we try to breed a certain openness because we’re talking about popular culture and the range of different contexts, associations, and interpretations that people bring to the table is vast. I’m more interested in follow-up and clarification in that setting.
Here, though? This is my personal blog. I use it to talk about my personal life and personal feelings. I’m making all of that public, yes, which means I know that you can find what I am saying and that you can react to it however you see fit. But I don’t have to let you use my own little territory to declare a single thing.
Certainly, I will do my best to model the kind of behavior that I’d like to see. As a general rule, the when/how/if I make it stop is about the kind of tone I want to set. There are also some things I try to do as a matter of my personal sense of decency, but these things aren’t debts owed.
I use this space to represent voices that matter to me. Not all perspectives are of equal merit and deserve equal weight. As the executive decision maker here, I get to declare the illegitimacy of the rapist’s (or any other) perspective all fucking day.
It works this way in life, too. The rules are a little more complicated — you don’t have the same delete, block, and ignore buttons. The basic principle stands: you need not lend any weight or merit to victim blaming, MRA-definitions-of-feminism, or any other damaging perspective. You have a right to say and think what you will, but I don’t have to hand you the microphone. I don’t have to promote your bullshit and I will keep shouting at the top of my lungs that it is, in fact, bullshit.
As I take my firm stance in support of something or someone, a firm stance against anyone who tries to cut that something or someone down, I get to encourage everyone reading to do the same. This is my blog. That’s how it works.
You can disagree with me, of course! That is the consequence of hitting publish. I hit publish and share my thoughts, enabling you to have an opinion on my thoughts. We can both think each other assholes. Still, your right to disagree doesn’t include a right to my space. I get to kick you out of it when you opt to be an asshole. I even get to decide what constitutes being an asshole around here. (It’s good to be the boss, huh?)
It’s actually irrelevant that attacking me in that fashion went against a common understanding of human decency. The fact that it went against my own personal standard for human decency was sufficient grounds for me to remove it from my digital home.
I am determined to do whatever I can to give one voice the privilege it so richly deserves, and that starts here. Same goes for whatever other shit I think is important. My privileging it starts here. I don’t have to let anyone use spaces that I control to perpetuate views that I find destructive. You are free to have your terrible, damaging opinions, but I won’t let you dump that shit in my living room.
This is not your space and I do not owe you a platform.