If I never write another thing on this formerly exhaustive chronicle of my humdrum little life, I cannot let “Shrinking” be the end.
It is true that the incident in the park left me a little jumpier and a little more afraid. Months later it’s better, but still true. I don’t want to pretend it’s any less real so that I can put a glossy finish on my stories. It happened and it fucking sucked, and in small ways it continues to suck.
But for whatever ground I lost, for the tiny spaces on my map that went dark, 2015 also made my world that much bigger. In the final account, it’s safe to say I gained far more than I lost last year.
I spent the beginning of 2015 surviving my first Montana winter. I texted pictures of snow to my best friend Mari to remind the Floridian that winter was still a real and true thing in other parts of the world. I’m still not a big fan of the cold, but I found a weird sense of pride in the whole thing.
I spent the entirety of 2015 living in the same city and working the same full time job. I haven’t been able to claim the former since 2005 and the latter since ever and I could not be happier about both.
Missoula is quirky and strange and lovely. I can’t say for sure that I’m ready to declare it a “forever home,” mostly because airfare out of this city is insane and the version of myself that is forever mobile is still a piece of my identity, even as it drifts from my present reality. But I am happy here for the foreseeable future. I am relatively still and I can see myself staying that way for a while and, importantly, both of those things are the products of choice rather than feelings of helplessness.
I can’t see myself leaving any time soon mostly because I love my job so much. The job is here and so I am here.
If you’re going to spend 40+ hour a week at work, genuinely enjoying it is how it should be. (I recognize, of course, that being able to make that distinction and choice is a luxury that a lot of people don’t have. I do, and I’m grateful for that.) That’s not to say that I don’t still hate waking up in the morning or have tedious tasks I don’t enjoy or the occasional day when I’m just struggling with everything ever. That stuff happens regardless because life.
I have learned so much this year and I’ve gotten paid and had fun doing it. Much of that is owed to having a manager who trusts me and my judgment and is always excited to answer questions when I have them. There’s a lovely self-perpetuating thing about our work environment that both breeds and attracts the kind of people who are incredibly generous with their knowledge and skills. I am surrounded by smart, talented, funny people who are all unbelievably eager to share and help each other. It’s fucking rad.
And so I am here and here I shall stay, because I am growing and also contributing to something that I am proud of. That combination is essentially how I aim to spend my days. When I look back on my life, that’s what I want to be able to say I did.
I am also here and learning all sort of neat things about stillness because of the wonderful people in my life. The biggest drawback of constant motion was always the toll it took on my ability to build and maintain relationships. As much as that job that I love compels me to stay, so too do the people that I have gotten to know here.
I have these brilliant, clever friends who are a joy to be around. My roommate might be the chillest individual I have ever known. I am in a relationship with someone I think I could talk to for the rest of my life and whose presence makes me feel at home. And all of these relationships have made me grow in important ways and I can only hope to return half of what they have meant to me.
For all the challenges of building relationships as I traveled, there are people who I have managed to keep around. By some insane miracle I got to see Mari three times in 2015, though I documented none of it here which is something of a personal failure that I’ll have to live with. I got to be with my other best friend to hear her pregnancy announcement in person. I got to spend five incredible days in San Diego welcoming a new sister into my crazy, weird family.
So, yeah, that one shitty thing happened and it was awful. And there were some other rough things too, like a falling out with a dear friend. The lessons learned don’t take away from the fact that those things were hard. But on the whole, 2015 was a net win.
There was just so much light and goodness that I couldn’t let that go unacknowledged.
Going into 2016, I’d like to write more. I’d like to not let months pass in silence again. I’d like to read more. I’d like to make more time for Snark Squad and to get better about managing my PTO so I can take a fun trip that’s not some necessary family event. There are a lot of things that would be really nice to accomplish in 2016.
But I’m not making any concrete resolutions. In some years past I have come up with theme words, but even that feels a little removed from where I’m at right now.
Maybe I’ll come up with one in the weeks ahead. Maybe I won’t.
Mostly, on this day for fresh starts, I wanted to let the record state that 2015 was a damned good year.
Here’s to another one.