The shame of taking an excessively long time to finish my thesis and having to quit my job because I can manage neither my job nor my finances inevitably means that I have a lot of unpleasant shit crowding my headspace right now. It’s ugly up here.

But there are so many hugely important things for me to take away from this. One of the hardest parts for me is feeling actual pangs of regret, which is not an emotion I am hugely familiar with. For the most part, I am really good at accepting decisions and actions for what they are. Good or bad, anything that’s already happened has happened and is therefore out of my control, making it a waste of time to fret about. The gnawing that I feel is usually less regret than shame or something similar. It’s maybe a subtle difference, but one that seems acute now that I am feeling actual regret.

That said, even in this instance, I can appreciate this epic failure for all of its lessons even as I feel the burn of regret. I mean, it would be nice if I could learn my life lessons by way of being an amazing success of a person, but it’s clear that it’s just not going to work out that way for me.

During the half a second that I took a step back to deliberate about accepting this job, my concern wasn’t those logical things — my thesis, money — because, you know, I’m me. My concern was how this would affect my relationship with LA.

As far as I saw it, there were two possible outcomes and they were equally terrifying. The first was that I would come here and it would be as home-like and perfect as I have always anticipated, and I’d never move again. I’d settle too soon. The second fear was basically the opposite: I would come and learn that I actually hate LA and then I’d be screwed because I would never have the option of settling.

When stated simply, it’s pretty obvious that I created a false dichotomy. Also, that I am ridiculous and need to work on my priorities. Feelings, however, don’t have a habit of presenting themselves quite so clearly and rationally.

Still, these were the fears and I had to deal with them. My answer to the first problem was that if I did settle, then it would mean that I was happy and what difference did it make? My answer to the second was that at least then I’d know and it would be better to learn that when I was still ambivalent about planting roots anyway.

The reality now, as I leave, is this: it’s still home. Driving around LA with the top down on a sunny day is still absolutely one of my happy places. I am now more sure that I’ll never lose that. I think I will always be able to see myself here.

In spite of all my cartoon hearts for LA, I can also disconnect when I need to. I have a good deal of sadness over leaving. For now, the plan is still to come back when my thesis is done. However, I’m not married to the idea. As much as this hurts now, I can also see how much I’m re-opening my options and that’s exciting.

Did it a sting a little to know that school was being canceled for snow back home while the weather was in the high 70’s here? Yes. Of course. Am I still every bit as perplexed by how much people hate on this city? Yep.

And yet, I know can leave it. I can choose to leave it. That’s a big deal. This, like my decision to come back here, is a choice that I am making. A decade after I was dragged out kicking and screaming, I can say that I love it no less and yet leave it freely. Maybe not happily, but freely.

If you read a sizable chunk of what I put here, then you may have noticed my tendency to write to remind myself of things. This post is that. This post is a reminder that as manic and shitty and overwhelmed as I’m feeling right now, there are other things happening now. I mean, there are many other things, including less self-involved things, but I’m not there yet.

I’ve reaffirmed my sense of the home that I have built within myself. The guarded nature that accompanies my internal life has caused me so many problems lately, but I also know it can be an asset when I manage it correctly. That’s worth remembering always, but especially now. I need to clean the house up, not burn it down.