And then there was Sunday. If this upcoming weekend weren’t Coachella, I might just say it’s time for me to pack up the April Adventures, because I’m not sure how I could ever top this. Although, I am posting this days after writing it — probably from my phone at a truck stop somewhere in New Mexico. [close: Arizona. I am currently heading to California. New York was written as a single post but it was too damn long.] So Yvonne and I probably have a few new stories to tell. [a few…] But you might not have met my dear friend Yvonne yet…let’s back up a second:
In my googling on Thursday I had come across a nearby beer garden. And a once-in-a-while artsy market-thing in said beer garden that just so happened to be occurring while I was there.
Around 2 o’clock, we showed up and saw this:
We were dubious. And certain that there would at least be a story. We went in, grabbed beers, and sat outside. It was fairly empty and a bit chilly. I did not see this market, though I did see unexplained balloons. And then we heard a magical noise from the table behind us. We had ourselves a drunken performer. And this went on for a good half an hour. We tried our best to capture the magic on video, but it’s mostly just me asking which way I should shift (Vag could see him; I had my back to him) however, we did snap the following excellent picture:
And then I realized that those balloons were there on purpose. And later we realized that there were actually lots of signs.
We wandered around Astoria Market (which was a little underwhelming, but definitely pretty neat, and I imagine it will be a lot cooler in the summer) and eventually walked to the subway to meet up with Nugs. I saw her first and it became clear that perhaps I do have a future in stalking after all. We hung out at the Market / in the beer garden for another hour or two before going back to the hotel and waiting to hear from the fabulous Risha, who was also in town.
We met up with Risha (who was as lovely as I hoped) and there was a bit of squealing and obsessing over her accent, before heading off to the East Village for Ray’s Pizza (sex pizza) and bars.
While wandering around aimlessly, we happened across a store that sold hats, postcards, and other such things….and styrofoam heads for $1. For a quarter each, we could now have the best night in the history of ever.
We liberated Yvonne from hat prostitution and went to CVS to get markers. We gave her a lopsided face, lazy eye, and sexy tattoo, and then we were ready to go. We decided that we were celebrating Yvonne’s 21st birthday.
Fortunately, the bouncer at the bar respected Yvonne’s legitimacy and did card her. Sadly, we did not have the foresight to make her an ID.
Once in the bar, Yvonne invited lots and lots of fun times.
1. Vagina was hit on by a man who was unable to take her hints. In spite of Vagina’s efforts to lie and make herself less appealing, he persisted. She then suggested he direct his inquiries to Yvonne. For some reason, telling him that she’d rather he talk to her styrofoam head did not register. Eventually, he mentioned going to see Charlie Sheen, Vagina blamed Yvonne’s body amputation on Mr. Sheen and in that awkward moment, he finally made his exit.
2. Fellow 20sber Brian joined us at this bar. Yvonne made her advances and was repeatedly rejected. He placed a menu in her face and then pulled her hat down over her eyes. It was very rude. Rough birthday for our girl Yvonne.
3. Shortly before we left, two large men came to our table to ask about Yvonne. One of the men then proceeded to pretend to make out with Yvonne before gesturing that he was going to place her under the table so she could give him head. Yes, this happpened. I don’t really feel like it needs any additional commentary from me.
4. This is probably one of my favorite bar moments ever. Nugs and Risha decided to write Yvonne’s number down on a napkin for this guy who had been staring at our table for a good hour. After they added “the styrofoam head” and her new Twitter handle to her obviously fake phone number so that it was perfectly clear who was distributing this number, Yvonne and I went to drop it off at their table. Within about a minute, the entire table of guys got up and left. WE MADE AN ENTIRE GROUP SO UNCOMFORTABLE THAT THEY LEFT THE BAR. This was a life goal I didn’t even realize I had until the moment had passed. [side note: when asked for a quote about me for my student org profile page in college, they said: “Nicole isn’t happy until everyone around is her uncomfortable.” So true. So true.]
On our way out of the bar, I accidentally hit a hilarious gay Irish man. We then had an amusing conversation in which he hit on Brian, but sadly called our poor Yvonne creepy. It was a hard night for her.
We did see this before getting in the cab back to Risha’s:
Yvonne then got her first cab ride and first subway ride before drunkenly passing out. We did our darndest to show her a good birthday.
Monday morning Vagina left way too early and then Nugs and I went into the city together before parting ways so that I could go meet one of my future AUP (!!!) classmates, who is adorable and from Sri Lanka and actually a real person. Even better, she was fun and lovely in spite of the fact that she is a real person and I am so clearly not a real person. Paris won’t get more than the occasional offhand mention this month, I’m sure, but it was really fun to get to talk about all of that, even though it still doesn’t feel very real to me.
And then it was time to head back to Astoria to retrieve Yvonne and head to the airport.
We got lots of looks, but only one person actually commented. Highlight of the airport was my barista asking me how my weekend was and getting to answer, “Well, I acquired a styrofoam head. So. There’s that.” She was either amused or friendly enough to pretend to be amused. It doesn’t matter much to me which one.
Yvonne also made a friend on the plane.
Obviously Yvonne is going to make a great addition to April adventures…after I add a little glitter, that is.
(FYI: you should totally be following Yvonne on Twitter. She will be making her rounds to other bloggers later…)